I’m relatively new to this parenting thing, my eldest is 3 and a half, but one of the gospel fundamentals I’m most concerned with instilling into my kids is grace. It is all too easy to unintentionally implant works-righteouness into our children. Children learn from a young age – ‘if I’m good, Mommy and Daddy are happy, and if I’m bad, Mommy and Daddy are mad at me’. While teaching obedience and the difference between right and wrong are of paramount importance, these truths need to be intertwined with the learning of unmerited grace. You cannot earn God’s favor (Titus 3:5). You cannot make God love you more, and you cannot make God love you less.
A Picture of the Gospel
All human relationships can, in different ways, display the beauty of the gospel, and parenting is a prime example. Parent’s relationship with their children, even imperfectly, can reflect our Heavenly Father’s love, provision, and protection for us, His children. In the same way that children receive everything from their parents, we receive every good thing from God (James 1:17). When we think about how we parent, we should consider if it is showing forth the gospel, or simply conforming to cultural norms.
“When we think about how we parent, we should consider if it is showing forth the gospel, or simply conforming to cultural norms.”
Now, obviously, we are humans and our attempts at reflecting the gospel are always imperfect. So, don’t beat yourself up – God is strong in our weakness and can use our failures for good. His grace is sufficient for us (2 Cor 12:9), and as we experience our weakness and His grace, it gives us inspiration to pass this grace on to our children. Our kids are just like us – sinners saved by grace.
Grace Beyond Performance
Because unmerited grace is such a central aspect of the gospel, my desire is to reflect it as clearly as I can to my children. I have myself experienced this life-transforming grace in Jesus, so I want my kids to experience this same grace. Just as God’s love does not diminish or burn brighter in response to our failures and successes (Lam 3:22), I want my kids to know that their parent’s love is not dependant on their performance. Whether my kids fail or succeed, I desire to equally permeate my reactions with grace.
“Whether my kids fail or succeed, I desire to equally permeate my reactions with grace.”
Let me give an example. If I only tell my kids that I am delighted in them when they succeed (i.e. hit the game-winning shot, get an A+ in algebra, etc.), then they will get the impression that my delight in them is dependent upon their success. This can too easily transfer into their understanding of Christianity. God the Father will only love and accept me if I deserve it. This is the opposite message of the gospel. God loves us just as much when we fail as when we succeed. He has already succeeded for us. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want us to grow, but our growth results from our reliance on Him, our Heavenly Father, not our own capability to succeed.
Acceptance Through Identity
When Ezra (my eldest son) is disobedient I try to use it as an opportunity to instill grace into his heart. I will address his bad and unacceptable behavior, and then I will look him in the eye, and tell him that it makes me sad when he is disobedient, but that no matter what, I love him and I am so happy that he is my son. What he has done has not made me love him less. His behavior is unacceptable, but he is always accepted. In the same way when Ezra does something amazing, like hit his first homerun, I’ll joyfully celebrate with him, but hopefully respond in a way that he understands that I don’t love him more because he succeeded.
I fail at this all the time. I forget grace. I lose my temper. But my heart is to imprint grace into his heart. I want to, even feebly, have his earthly father emulate his Heavenly Father’s grace and love. That way his little heart will be better prepared to comprehend his acceptance through Jesus.
I think it is essential that we verbalize our unchanging love and acceptance to our kids. We too often think that our kids will just somehow know what we are thinking/feeling. But children crave affirmation. The aim is to teach Ezra that he is accepted not for what he does, but for who he is – my son. His identity is not changed by his failures or his success. He will always be my son and that is where his love and acceptance lies. And is this not the gospel message?
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” 1 John 3:1
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.” Ephesians 2:8
Discipline as Grace
I’m sure you’re thinking, “Yes, but how does discipline fit in? If teaching them grace is so important, than should I just let my kids get away with everything?” I think the answer lies in the fact that discipline itself can be an act of grace. We all know that left to our own devices as humans, we have a tendency towards self-destructive behavior. We are born into sin from birth (Psa 51:5, Eph 2:2-3). Our role as parents is to point our children to their Redeemer. To the one who will transfer their lives from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light. One of the ways we do this is by teaching them the joys of living in a way that reflects God’s created order. Living apart from God’s will always leads to destruction.
Hebrews 12:11 says that discipline produces good fruit, and later it says that God’s discipline is actually a sign that we are His children. God disciplines those he loves (Heb 12:6), so to “make straight paths for your feet”. Discipline is grace because it trains us to live in a way that brings us ultimate joy instead of pain. This way of living won’t save us, but it shows us the beauty of living in God’s design.
“Discipline is grace because it trains us to live in a way that brings us ultimate joy instead of pain.”
In the same way that we stop our children from touching a hot stove, or playing with a sharp knife, we as parents teach our children the equal dangers of deception, violence, and selfishness. As we protect their bodies, we should also protect their souls. Paul Tripp puts it like this “All of parenting is a gracious rescue.”
As parents we are like gardeners; we do our best to uproot the weeds and stones in our kid’s hearts, so that the gospel can find good soil to grow. This is a great grace.
Seize the Opportunities
The challenge for myself and for you, is to look for opportunities to instill grace into our kids. Like all true acts of grace, it will mean sacrificing of ourselves. Ray David tells a story of how one day his son Matthew (3-4 yrs old at the time) was disobedient at a grocery store. He told Matthew that if he continued to be disobedient, that Matthew wouldn’t get to watch a planned movie for that evening. This was a big deal. The whole family had been looking forward to their movie night together. Matthew continued to be disobedient, so Ray David had to follow through on his threat. But then something remarkable happened. The Lord sparked an idea in Ray David’s heart. He told Matthew that he was going to take the punishment for his action upon himself. He would not watch the movie for him. He then explained to Matthew how Jesus did the same thing for each one of us on the cross. He took the punishment we deserved. Ray David compellingly demonstrated to Matthew the true meaning of grace.
“The unmerited grace of God demonstrated on the cross is at the centre of the gospel, and it should be at the centre of what we are teaching our children. “
My prayer is that God would give us creativity to show our children real, self-sacrificing grace, and that this would open them up to receive the grace of Jesus. This doesn’t mean that we stop disciplining, for it produces good fruit (Heb 5:12), but it means that we look for opportunities to sow seeds of the gospel. The unmerited grace of God demonstrated on the cross is at the centre of the gospel and it should be at the centre of what we are teaching our kids. As Christians, we have been transformed by the gift of grace – let’s gift it back to our children and let it point them to Jesus.
